Part retirement home, part Fawlty Towers and part B&B.

The place where we stayed in Alnmouth, is a magnificently appointed guesthouse hotel with a traditional lounge and dining room. All with a slightly retirement home kind of a feel about it, contributed by all the patrons sitting out the front when we arrived being 70+ and an officious, bossy but well-meaning hostess.

We got the hint that something wasn't quite what we were expecting when we received a detailed tour of the house and then our room, including the individual function of each part therein: the light switches, the shaving socket down to the hot water-bottle... we were even offered full instructions on how to use the bathroom which thankfully we were able to kindly decline.

We'd signed up for dinner, bed and breakfast (actually we had no choice; problem with booking Saturdays only a week out). Dinner is served after summons by a gong. A roll call of names at each table kicked things off, but then after that the other guests started to warm up and reveal to us newbies the funny features of other meals - like the mint sauce container the size of a small cauldron. It seems that being here for one night will be something of a blessing.

After dinner, tea was served up in the lounge, which was quite lovely if overly decorated, and it also became quickly obvious that even more of the guests thought the whole affair somewhat a farce; it was a relief when even the oldest of patrons were making quips about the food, service and the place as a whole. Proof positive that the mind can clearly outlast the body, very inspiring.

We made fast friends at the dinner table with a blend of self deprecating and insulting Australian humor, that scored us an invite to the pub and our gracious English friends insisted on buying us a few drinks, very kind and great fun.

The process for everyone to order breakfast and dinner for the next night and morning, while eating breakfast, was further hilarity the next morning during breakfast. Delivered as a monologue and at a rolling pace, a continuous list of options and alternatives. Starters and mains are however are dictated, only dessert is a choice and then there are an exhaustive N-factorial number of options. Fresh fruit with ice cream, cream, Greek yogurt or custard and of course double cream comes around in a jug. Creme Brulee, Cheesecake, Chocolate Lumpy Bumpy, Sticky Toffee Pudding, Sorbet etc - all with the same ice cream, cream, Greek yogurt or custard options and of course double cream comes around in a jug.

On the breakfast order everything must be specified right down to the specific item you will eat (eg a particular jam Danish vs some other kind of Danish). The combination of the food we received was quite good though everything is super sized: tea pots, milk jugs, yorkshire puddings, cheese serves... a simple 'small' serve of scrambled eggs was one of the biggest we've ever seen for the table next door.

The strange service and good company made for one of the more entertaining places we've stayed yet.

Rollicking good fun.